I AM NOT FINE
by r.a.d. Leng Leng
This morning’s social media post:
“The emergence and global spread of COVID-19 precipitated a massive public health crisis combined with multiple incidents of racial discrimination and violence toward Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) communities.”1
Trigger warning — includes curse words and disturbing stories that involve an Android Smartphone and an “Asian” person driving around your town.
Android Smartphone: In 600 feet, use the right lane to turn right on to Seventh Street.
Person: No, I’m not fine. I’m not fine under patriarchy. I’m not fine under misogynistic systems. 2020 has not been a fun party; neither is 2021. I am not fine with being judged for the brown color of my skin. I am not fine with how the systems of oppression make it difficult to be a human being. With the current trends of continued violence, no wonder violent crimes happen more and more for people of color, by people of color. For instance, a news story about how a security guard closed the hotel door when a Filipino Elder lady was beaten up by a young man on the sidewalk. This young black man was recently released from prison. He was in prison for killing his mother. But it is so much more complex than what a simple headline may sound like.
Android Smartphone: Use the right lane to turn right on to Seventh Street, then slide right on to Jackson Street.
Person: (daydreaming of Michael Jackson moves and times dancing away in clubs). In Alcoholics Anonymous, there are various meanings when someone says, “I am fine.” I don’t drink alcohol, but I was intrigued by this. By the way, have I shared how I’m not fine with how Asian elders are violently treated? Also, I am not fine how Blacks, Indigenous Peoples and Asians of Color of all ages and shades are fetishized, tortured, raped, murdered, not necessarily in that order.
Android Smartphone: Take the next right on Jackson Street.
Person: No, I am not fine seeing innocent children with danger lurking in the shape of their ‘alleged’ perpetrator, a family member, perhaps a parent or an uncle or the mother’s boyfriend, all waiting in the same county courthouse hallway for their legal case to be called by the courtroom security guard. And once inside the dependency investigation courtroom, for the first time in their young black lives, they will be led to sit in the front row, not knowing that their fate will soon depend on a sentencing by a white judge sitting across the room with a wooden gavel. When available, two Public Health Nurses will appear carrying a bag of first aid kits filled with donated stuffed animals for the children at heart. If children are present in the hallways, the Foster Care Nurses will ask if interested and lead the child/children and/or teen to a safe room, a windowless room sparsely decorated with children-friendly calendar cutouts to make it seem less like a courtroom’s closet. It is big enough to fit donated toys in a small bin, a couple of picnic fold up chairs and a grey county office telephone on top of an old small brown desk. The nurses posted a sign on the door: “Safe room for children and youth only.” But numerous times they have to kick out anyone, mostly lawyers like the skinny ass white lawyer who despite the sign on the door would take advantage of using the small room as their office away from the office.
Android Smartphone: Use the left lane to take the I-80 North ramp.
Person: Add personal trigger warning here and prepare for possible PTSD flare up later as we pass by the car accident site that halted this person’s life, although not as tragic as the story of a young girl, not yet seventeen who took one ecstasy pill in a party and ended up in a coma. Just before the permanent closing of the Services for Brain Injury Program, a counselor taught a class of folks with various levels of persistent post-concussion symptoms that there is a benefit to disclosing one’s disability, but that it is also okay not to disclose one’s disability. And Yes, I am not fine with how folks with ‘disabilities,’ both visible and invisible, are abandoned and forgotten in this so-called ‘first-world’ of a country. Folks with disabilities are not stupid. We are not fine when the community we once thought had our back; unfortunately, well they did not have the capacity as I-We remembered we are on the same Earth-ship. So, to stay grounded, it helps to remember what Lola (Grandma) said (say this with a heavy Bisayan Lola’s accent): “Mahimong mopahulay pero dili mo undang. It is okay to rest, Inday, just do not kweet (quit).”
Android Smartphone: Use the left lane to take the North ramp, then keep right at the fork to continue on I-980 East.
Person: Putang *** ** — Mother Fucker. No, I am not fine when I am judged based on my gender, as a woman, as a woman of color residing in stolen territories of the Ohlone people. I’m not fine under these capitalist regimes. Remember to honor the original peoples of this Turtle Island. Make offerings of thanks and give shuumi 2 to Sogorea Te’ Land Trust and steer clear of sacred sites in the area. Say “Tabi, tabi po” to humbly ask spirits permission to be present on the grounds where your feet are standing.
Android Smartphone: Keep right at the fork to continue on I-980 East.
Person: No, I am not fine ~ A daughter of islander immigrants of color who themselves have been colonized in their home islands and who left their homeland post-martial law to seek better opportunities in America, a portrayal of the falsified ‘AmeriKKKan dream.’ I wonder about the hearts of Filipinos in the diaspora who say they are learning about Kapwa Tao, a virtue in Sikolohiyang Pilipino (Filipino Psychology) and who call themselves liberated and have brown pride, but that is all: it is skin deep only. The practices of compassion and kindness that are integral in Kapwa Tao are missing. In a simple explanation it is the concept of “the self and the other” where “I,” ‘’You” and “We” are all-in-one.
Android Smartphone: In half a mile, use the middle lane to continue on California 24 East.
Person: Honestly, “I am not fine” is what I wish I could say to the younger ones who are learning hard in this cur- rent pandemic season about Kapwa Tao practices. It was not easy to comprehend when a Filipino American made
a comment to an immigrant Pilipina on how much the latter respect their elders. For this immigrant kababaihan, kababayan, a fellow country-woman, it is a great puzzle as to why people would not show respect for the elders. Be- cause that is the way they were taught deeply about their culture that elders are to be respected. But please note that just because one is old in age does not make one a wise elder.
No, I’m not fine. Hearing an elder man sob just as he found out via a long distance phone call that his best friend of 75 years recently died from COVID. His friend’s final words were with warnings to him not to return to the home island. To hear a message from my loving mother who said: “Your dad is crying.” My dad never cries.
No, we’re not fine. On the same day, I also spoke with one of my aunties, my mom’s best friend. She is not a blood relation, but Tita Lali helped nurse preemies into this world. I can hear pain in her voice because she has a spinal cord that is so impeded that she is half-paralyzed and relies on caregivers and a mechanized chair to get to the bath- room. A friendly reminder that a touch of gentleness goes a long way.
No, I’m not fine because I am not able to take a whiff of the little ones’ breath, an exchange of ngo-ngo, a sacred greeting with each other’s soul.
No, we are not fine. As we hear of the struggles of many working families, with and without children, with or with- out chronic conditions, with or without income, with or without health insurance, well, it’s not easy.
No, we’re not fine, but I rejoice with a generous scoop of creamy toasted almond and purple ube ice cream, smoth- ered with hot dark chocolate fudge and topped with crunchy bits of almonds. The sweetness of temporary joy because, no, I’m not fine.
Android Smartphone: Use the second from the right lane to take the exit toward 51st Street. In a quarter mile, use the middle lane to follow the signs.
Person: With the full moon rising above the hills, they ride past by the local public children’s hospital where Filipino nurses work on the night shift tending to newborns withdrawing from meth and whatever toxic unknown shit they ingested in the womb of a mother who will never sit her butt on the hospital pull-out chair bed for this infant with the most inconsolable newborn cry in its fragile wrinkly body as tense as hardwood. Even her burrito hold blankie wrap could not comfort the little one. The young Filipina nurse anxiously awaits the time when the minute clock will arrive to allow her to give the next safe dose of an intravenous push medication, a short term relief for a helpless, abandoned, dark skinned two-day old infant whose solitary cries sounds worse than a pack of hungry hyenas on a scavenging hunt.
Android Smartphone: Continue to use the middle lane to keep right.
Person: This kambal will be fine when they let this dehydrated rage run its course through their halo-halo veins. And feel the power of its presence flowing through its ailing body. To Transform. Metta-morphosize, that’s metta with double-T’s and allow it to invigorate their being by giving it a voice and a healing space to claim their role as an ancestral pattern shifter. We call upon Dalikamata3, a Bisayan goddess with thousand eyes powers to cure illnesses and ward off negativities, combined with its fraternal twin’s powers, Daruma’s4 connection to a Japanese proverb, ‘Nana korobi ya oki’ which translates as ‘Fall down seven times, Stand up eight.’
From Alcoholics Anonymous, “I am fine” could mean “fucked, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.”5 I wish to say instead: “I am F.F.I.N.E.! double F F.F.I.N.E.”
Fine as Oscar-award-winner Black and Filipina H.E.R. for ‘Having Everything Revealed’ singing “Fight for You.”6 Focused like the endangered Philippine monkey-eating eagle, isang agila ng Pilipinas na minamahal ko, Independent as a reborn newborn with powers of social justice lenses,
Nerdy as thoughtful and beautiful Hella Sacred Women’s Circles of Sis-Stars blooming with
Energetic Yaphas, the brightest star-light from eons afar protected and blessed by Apu Reyna, a most high priestess of authentic truth, with bountiful blessings to the children of the land and the children of the ocean, ang mga anak ng lupa at mga anak ng dagat, inseparable akin to unborn identical twins in their mother’s womb.
Android Smartphone: In a quarter of a mile, continue straight forward to stay on Martin Luther King Jr. Way.
Person: I am not fine. In the context of intergenerational trauma and unhealed ancestral wounds in a patriarchal, misogynistic and capitalistic society, I am disgusted to have to say this, but do stop fetishizing Asian women, Asian men, and Asian children. I wonder how it would be if white folks could love us more simply as we are. Could they possibly respect us much more than how much they love to eat Asian foods and spices?
Android Smartphone: Continue straight forward.
Person: God damn it! I am not fine. I have hella bad days too, but I don’t go around killing white people. Android Smartphone: Stay on Martin Luther King Jr. Way.
Person: No, I am not fine. But I am grateful for opportunities to share compassion with other fellow human beings. I am grateful for this chance of breathing again. I’m reminded of the days when someone knocks on a neighbor’s door to simply ask “How are you?” and not be terrified or scared because who does that anymore. Perhaps those days may be gone forever? This is a terrifying thought. I don’t know about you all but I do not know how I will get used to this. Paano tayo mabuhay ngayon?
Android Smartphone: Bzzzzzzzzzt, Bzzzzzzzzzt, Bzzzzzzzzzt — the loud sound of a startling and annoying silent vibration alarm goes off with a message “Re-Routing” flashing on the device’s GPS app. Then the screen zoom freezes.
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1 Mental Health Equity of Filipino Communities in COVID-19: A Framework for Practice and Advocacy written by Christian D. Chan and Stacey Diane Arañez Litam in The Professional Counselor Volume 11, Issue 1, Pages 73–85 http://tpcjournal.nbcc.org © 2021 NBCC, Inc. and Affiliates doi: 10.15241/cdc.11.1.7
2 Shuumi means “gift” in Chochenyo. https://sogoreate-landtrust.org/
3 https://gramho.com/explore-hashtag/dalikamata
4 https://kyotocollection.com/blog/daruma-dolls-history-and-meaning/
5 https://www.allacronyms.com/FINE/alcoholics_anonymous
6 https://everythingrevealed.her-official.com/
be still
monotype, drypoint, collage
Liz McCall